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I’ve an overwhelming amount of stuff to write; so much so that I hardly know where to begin following the holidays. I’m honestly thankful that they’re over, because I’m tired following all the festivities, and I’m looking foreword to carrying on with my days.

But; there’s that. And then there’s the repeat dreams I’ve had with Lu-or at least symbolism heavily indicative of-the past couple of weeks. I like dreaming about him because it’s almost like a relief to me; when I know it’s him talking to me, sending me messages, reassuring me, I know he’s watching, and it’s a comfort to feel him watching over me in just about everything. Daunting, maybe, sometimes. But comforting.

I’ve gotten it in my head that I’m going to at least attempt to structure my practice a little bit this year. That means coming up with my own rituals and my own set days to offer to Him in formal manner. Not just the every day little things, which I know he appreciates (he’s told me this many times, and he’s also stated that he certainly doesn’t require specific days and pomp and circumstance). But I feel like I want to specifically put myself in a ritualistic mindset some of the time; I’m to a point now in my own health and well being that I feel I can take this next step. in September I went on Hiatus from doing oracle readings because I was feeling a bit backwards, and had to try and gain my footing again.

And I couldn’t even really tell you *how* I felt backwards, and turned around. Maybe it’s just because of everything that happened in May; although I feel the whole conflict I had with my own inner demons, which culminated in an awful relapse, put me closer to him in ways that he and I hadn’t quite reached yet, at the same time, I feel like regular activity with him ceased outside of our more intense encounters in my dreaming, and our more casual topics of conversation when I write to him in my (private) note books.

I plan to bring some of this up with my girlfriend once I get back around and my internet is back on (hence why I’ve been gone this week; we’re waiting for the new company to come out and hook up service). Until then, I have a lot to get out and even more things that I have to get organized, including getting back to the tedious task of redoing all my tags and archiving things that need to be cleaned up, moved out of the way, aren’t pertinent anymore, ect.

Which also begs the question. I’ve noticed people seem to have a very real problem when something in someone’s practice changes. I’ve been practicing formally as a Luciferian for going on eight years. A lot of the ideas that I had eight years ago obviously don’t hold even the slightest bit of water for me now. I find keeping things tidy and cleaned up makes it easiest not only for me to reference things that have shifted around for me, but also makes it easier for people who are interested in what I do to FIND things that are current, without me having to state a disclaimer anywhere and everywhere. Managing a blog like OMS isn’t easy just *because* of the fact that I think it’s important to keep everything up-to-date current. And with all this stuff coming up that I feel is going to be an important factor in how and where and WHEN I practice, that becomes even more important.

TL:DR. I have a lot of work to do when I get back; because Lu came in and clubbed me over the head with one of his infamous clue-by-fours, and before I can even begin to get all THAT strait in my head, I have to get everything else situated, too.

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It’s 4:57 am, and I’ve been up for about an hour, because I couldn’t sleep. It was a dreamless night, and that in and of itself probably wouldn’t have been enough to call me out of whatever black abyss I was in. But a little after three, I rolled over, blinked my eyes open. . . and suddenly I couldn’t get back to sleep again. I have no idea what got into me then; except for I went into the kitchen, made myself a cup of tea, and then came back into the bedroom and, just out of the blue, decided to turn on Supernatural and get caught up on some of that. I have several pertinent episodes I’ve been meaning to watch downloaded onto my iphone, so I just hit ‘play’ and let it go. The episode that came on was the final lead-up battle between Michael and Lucifer, relatively speaking. I didn’t know that when I started the episode itself; but I sat through it, and jumping Joshua on a pogo stick. . . .was it ever painful. I don’t discuss my cosmology much any more; mostly because it never comes up in conversation, but aside from that, every Theistic Luciferian that I’ve ever spoken with seems to have some intuitive understanding that, with regards to Lucifer . . . Michael is a very sensitive subject. I’ve never spoken about it with him, because I’m afraid to broach it. Not because of fear of his anger. . . but because I don’t want to hurt Him. But this may be a signal from him that he’s ready to discuss it with me. Or else I’m ready to discuss it with him. One of the two. I have very deep and conflicting feelings where the angel Michael is concerned. When I was younger and going through Massage Therapy class, as I’ve made mention, I was very close to all of the angels; I considered Raphael my patron, but Michael was easily one of my favorites, which isn’t too far of a stretch for someone with a Catholic background. However in my time in certain online communities, the stories an gnosis I started hearing from other people regarding Michael was very troublesome; his attitudes towards Lucifer, whom even back then I was always sympathetic towards, and his ‘ask no questions’ demeanor-at least according to those folks. I listened, but there was always a feeling of nagging disparity in me, because that didn’t sound like the Michael I knew. But who was the Michael I knew? I think to Paul Bettany in Legion  (and Dominion)-which is ironic given that other’s actions, and maybe that’s more Lucifer I’m feeling and not Michael anyway. That being said, what I saw this evening throws me right back into where I was, and that is, Lucifer and Michael have crossed blades, so to speak, no matter what version of The Story you ascribe to; either that Lucifer was simply cast out and Michael was the one that did so, or, as in my cosmology, if Samael was the one thrown out for his pride, and Lucifer’s exile was voluntary (and the Second War was a result of him rising back up to fight for the freedom of those who wanted to follow him).  Feeling this, I have to wonder, as I have on occasion, what words were exchanged between them. What went down when they fell to blows? I’m having a huge dilemma trying to sort my feelings about as Michael the Good Son, the Wise follower of Father’s word. . . .and the arrogant holy poster boy that keeps trying to break through this image I have of him. I’m wondering now if what I feel about one is a history, and if the Michael I know now and have interacted with in the past is the one that has weathered more than his share of loss and conflict and had grown that much more through it. And if that’s the case, but he and Lucifer are still not on speaking terms, it leaves me with one more question. Who isn’t speaking to who? In SPN Lucifer makes one last ditch, feverish attempt to call off the conflict with Michael. We don’t have to do this, he pleads. But Michael refuses with a pointed, ‘I’m not a rebel’ and a reminiscent speech of, Lucifer why couldn’t you just do what you were told. . . ? And I think this is the past playing out in front of my eyes in the present. Obviously nevermind the medium. What I mean to say is, I think Lucifer at some point pleaded with Michael. Please, don’t do this and it doesn’t have to be this way. And I think Michael refused. For glory, for duty. . . who knows why. But I think fighting Michael hurt Lucifer more than whatever answer or silence he found from God on that day he went to him and said ‘why’/’I can’t’. No wonder Lucifer doesn’t talk about it. In my way, I love Michael. I always will; because of his early involvement in my spirituality. But knowing the situation he and Lucifer were in, and his choice . . . I can understand that. But I don’t know that I could forgive him for betraying Lucifer if he did. And maybe, his family just the same.

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Online Shrine and Devotional Space dedicated to Lucifer-Helel, The Mourning Star, The Lightning Bringer,and the Aeon of Air.

Blogger is Danyel, Pop Culture Pagan, Godspouse, Spiritworker, and Witch.

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