Sleepless Morning

It’s 4:57 am, and I’ve been up for about an hour, because I couldn’t sleep. It was a dreamless night, and that in and of itself probably wouldn’t have been enough to call me out of whatever black abyss I was in. But a little after three, I rolled over, blinked my eyes open. . . and suddenly I couldn’t get back to sleep again. I have no idea what got into me then; except for I went into the kitchen, made myself a cup of tea, and then came back into the bedroom and, just out of the blue, decided to turn on Supernatural and get caught up on some of that. I have several pertinent episodes I’ve been meaning to watch downloaded onto my iphone, so I just hit ‘play’ and let it go. The episode that came on was the final lead-up battle between Michael and Lucifer, relatively speaking. I didn’t know that when I started the episode itself; but I sat through it, and jumping Joshua on a pogo stick. . . .was it ever painful. I don’t discuss my cosmology much any more; mostly because it never comes up in conversation, but aside from that, every Theistic Luciferian that I’ve ever spoken with seems to have some intuitive understanding that, with regards to Lucifer . . . Michael is a very sensitive subject. I’ve never spoken about it with him, because I’m afraid to broach it. Not because of fear of his anger. . . but because I don’t want to hurt Him. But this may be a signal from him that he’s ready to discuss it with me. Or else I’m ready to discuss it with him. One of the two. I have very deep and conflicting feelings where the angel Michael is concerned. When I was younger and going through Massage Therapy class, as I’ve made mention, I was very close to all of the angels; I considered Raphael my patron, but Michael was easily one of my favorites, which isn’t too far of a stretch for someone with a Catholic background. However in my time in certain online communities, the stories an gnosis I started hearing from other people regarding Michael was very troublesome; his attitudes towards Lucifer, whom even back then I was always sympathetic towards, and his ‘ask no questions’ demeanor-at least according to those folks. I listened, but there was always a feeling of nagging disparity in me, because that didn’t sound like the Michael I knew. But who was the Michael I knew? I think to Paul Bettany in Legion  (and Dominion)-which is ironic given that other’s actions, and maybe that’s more Lucifer I’m feeling and not Michael anyway. That being said, what I saw this evening throws me right back into where I was, and that is, Lucifer and Michael have crossed blades, so to speak, no matter what version of The Story you ascribe to; either that Lucifer was simply cast out and Michael was the one that did so, or, as in my cosmology, if Samael was the one thrown out for his pride, and Lucifer’s exile was voluntary (and the Second War was a result of him rising back up to fight for the freedom of those who wanted to follow him).  Feeling this, I have to wonder, as I have on occasion, what words were exchanged between them. What went down when they fell to blows? I’m having a huge dilemma trying to sort my feelings about as Michael the Good Son, the Wise follower of Father’s word. . . .and the arrogant holy poster boy that keeps trying to break through this image I have of him. I’m wondering now if what I feel about one is a history, and if the Michael I know now and have interacted with in the past is the one that has weathered more than his share of loss and conflict and had grown that much more through it. And if that’s the case, but he and Lucifer are still not on speaking terms, it leaves me with one more question. Who isn’t speaking to who? In SPN Lucifer makes one last ditch, feverish attempt to call off the conflict with Michael. We don’t have to do this, he pleads. But Michael refuses with a pointed, ‘I’m not a rebel’ and a reminiscent speech of, Lucifer why couldn’t you just do what you were told. . . ? And I think this is the past playing out in front of my eyes in the present. Obviously nevermind the medium. What I mean to say is, I think Lucifer at some point pleaded with Michael. Please, don’t do this and it doesn’t have to be this way. And I think Michael refused. For glory, for duty. . . who knows why. But I think fighting Michael hurt Lucifer more than whatever answer or silence he found from God on that day he went to him and said ‘why’/’I can’t’. No wonder Lucifer doesn’t talk about it. In my way, I love Michael. I always will; because of his early involvement in my spirituality. But knowing the situation he and Lucifer were in, and his choice . . . I can understand that. But I don’t know that I could forgive him for betraying Lucifer if he did. And maybe, his family just the same.